11-2-13

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

In the past two years I've made lots of positive changes in my life. One of the more important changes is taking control of my relationship with food and binge eating. That's not to say I no longer have problems w ith food and binge eating, just that it's much less often. Tonight was one of those nights where there were problems.

First let me tell you about my weekend so far. I took Thursday, Friday and Monday off of work this weekend because I'm faced with the most wonderful problem of employment ever: use your leave or lose it. So use it I shall. Thursday I was at home by myself. I hadn't planned on doing anything at all except for knitting, drinking coffee and spoiling Zed, Vex and Flash and napping. I woke up around 7-ish and made myself some grits for breakfast. Then I went through some of my clothes to see if there was anything that I couldn't wear any more, knit a little, made myself a tomato sandwich for lunch, waited on a repairman to fix our sofa, napped, made supper, knit some more. Overall a great, relaxing day. Food wise I did fantastic!  I usually have a really hard time when I'm home by myself with controlling my eating.  It usually turns into an all I can eat buffet of bad choices and sneak eating.  I'm proud that Thursday didn't turn into that day. Friday Michael and I went grocery shopping with his dad, then we went to get a late lunch at Huhot where I got lots of veggies with chicken, which was awesome because lately I've had to eat way too much of my own cooking.  After lunch we went to Michael's so I could get stitch markers and point protectors for knitting needles. Then I had a brief and fruitless search for boots.  Today, we got up early to take the car to get the oil changed, I bought a turkey roaster for thanksgiving, went to Target, went to World Market came home, napped.

After my nap, Michael and I decided to go out for an early dinner. We decided to go to a local Chinese buffet.  I started out with sushi. Usually when we go to this buffet I fill up on everything else and either pass on the sushi or stuff myself and end up miserable. I had the sushi, then moved on to the rest of the tasty Chinese food. I made sure I ate slowly and if I didn't like something I didn't eat more of it. I didn't think I had eaten all that much, but by the time we were finished I was miserable.  I seriously considered making myself  throw up, but that's too much of a slippery slope. I finally feel better, but feeling so stuffed was miserable. I don't even remember the last time I felt like that. Looking back on it, I recognize that I ignored that my hunger was satisfied and instead just focused on how tasty the food was. Major mindfulness failure.

No matter how miserable I was, it was a good reminder that I do need to maintain constant vigilance (Mad-Eye Moody) so that i don't fall into old habits again.

10-27-13

The last couple weeks have been kind of up and down for me.  I've been thinking a lot about the progress I've made in the past 2 years.  I've lost over 80 lbs and that's pretty damn amazing no matter how heavy you are or were. But I can't help but feel a little sad too because while I've lost a lot, I still have so far to go until I'm a normal, healthy weight.  I'm still fat. Still.  I'm not discouraged by that, though. If anything it makes me want to get there even more.  So I've been comparing where I was to where I am.  When I first started I was 343 lbs. My BMI was around 58.  I was wearing about a size 32-34.  I couldn't walk down the hall at work without losing my breath. My feet and ankles were almost always swollen and sore. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Now my BMI is just a smidge under 40. I can wear a size 26.  Not only can I walk down the hall without any issue, I can run down the hall if I choose to and not feel like I'm going to die. My feet and ankles are nice and boney again and my appearance no longer disgusts me. Every bit of that is good progress.

The last time I blogged I had lost 81 lbs. I'm happy to say that as of yesterday I'm down 90 lbs. 90 lbs!!!  That's only 10 lbs away from hitting 100 lbs by the end of November. And I will still be fat. But I'll only be 13 lbs away from the weight my driver's license says I am. And once I hit that, I'll only be 30 lbs from being out of the 200s.  I have so much to look forward to!

10-13-13 Post 3 of 3

I have been a knitting fool since the middle of August.  Since then I have finished a lace scarf, a lace shawl and a baby blanket.  The reason for my knitting foolishness is because I realized about that time that I hadn't entered anytrhing into the fair yet and then when I did enter I became a tad ambitious and entered 3 categories:  knitted lace, knitted shawl/stole and knitted scarf.  I only had one thing finished, an infinity scarf that I made at the very beginning of the year.  I had the lace scarf maybe about a quarter of the way done and I didn't even have a pattern for the shawl picked out.  Every spare moment I've had since then has been spent knitting.  I finished knitting the lace scarf on August 29.  Knitting lace requires too much concentration, so I started on the baby blanket and worked on that while we were in Atlanta.  As soon as we got back home  I started on the shawl.  I finished it the last weekend of September, just a couple days before I had to turn it in for judging.

Here I am in a panel at Dragon*Con working on the baby blanket. 

That blanket is finished now, but I haven't taken pictures yet.  The top part is green.  It was such a nice and easy pattern.  It's going to make a very nice gift for someone. 

Here is the infinity scarf I entered in the fair.  It won second place in its category.

This is the lace scarf I entered in the fair.  It won first place in its category.

And this is the lace shawl I entered.  It also won first place in its category.

Now I have knitting fever again.  Since I submitted my fair entries, I've finished the baby blanket above, another infinity scarf and I've already been thinking about what to enter next year. 

10-13-13 Post 2 of 3

I am happy to report that I am down 81 lbs.  It could be more, but I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks.  I've been sick so exercise and such hasn't been first on my mind.  The last week of September I got an awful cough with congestion and a fever.  I feel 90% back to normal, but I still have a small cough.  It's getting better every day, though.  Other than exercise, I've been doing pretty good with staying on track.  Some days are better than others, but that's pretty normal.  Anyway, I'm 19 lbs away from my goal.  It seems like I get farther and farther away from being able to meet that goal by the end of November.  I have to keep remembering that life will not end if I don't make it by the end of November.  It's not like all the weight is going to pile back on overnight if I don't meet it.  I am still going to be awesome regardless. 

While I was sick, our air conditioner died.  I was willing, at first, to try to wait as long as possible before getting a new ac.  However, that was before I remembered how utterly and completely miserable that life without air conditioning is.  I had the windows up and every fan I could find blowing right on me and I was still sweating.  I am truly thankful that it wasn't July or August when it happened.  Within a day I was ready to sell my left arm and any other appendage to get the air fixed.  It's now fixed and I am comfortable again.  Although selling my left arm and any other appendage might have come out cheaper.

Before all of that happened, though we added another furkid to our family.  The newest member of the family is Vex.

She's so cute and she has the greatest pur, but damn she's pestering our cat, Zed, like crazy.  I forgot how kittens are into everything and how everything like feet and fingers are playtoys for their amusement.  Needless to say, I have cat scratches on top of cat scratches.  It really is a good thing that she's so darn cute. 

10-13-13 Post 1 of 3

 

Man, do I have a lot to say this time around! So much that I'll break this up into several posts.

 

So, Post 1: Dragon*Con

 

Dragon*Con is a Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Multi-Media convention held in Atlanta, GA over Labor Day weekend every year. It encompasses 5 hotels (Hilton, Marriott, Hyatt, Sheraton and Westin) and the AmericasMart across from the Hyatt and beside the Westin. This year, with the addition of the AmericasMart, was bigger than ever. It is quite impossible to describe all that Dragon*Con is to someone who has not experienced it. One simple way is to say that it's a weekend spent with 50,000 of your closest friends, met and un-met, all geeking out over actors, tv, movies, authors, games, books all having something to do in one way or another with the sci-fi/fantasy genre. It's awesome.

 

We got to Atlanta on August 28. We like to go on the Wednesday before the Con so we can get re-acclimated to everything because Atlanta is vastly different to where we live. Normally we relax and nap/lay around so we can be completely rested up for when everything starts. This year, though, we decided to go to the Atlanta Aquarium. We walked instead of taking a wheeled conveyance. (activity, yay!!!) It wasn't a bad walk, but it was hilly and it was hotter than blue blazes. The best thing about the aquarium was that they had otters! River otters and sea otters, even! Anywhere that has otters is pretty darn ok in my book. I also liked that they had huge Whale Sharks and rays. They even had a tank that was modeled after a barrier reef, complete with waves. Loved it!

 

Wednesday night we rested.  Thursday morning we went to registration.  While we were in line we made some new friends and passed the time bwfore registration opened.  I worked on my knitting, which I'll talk about a little later.  On Friday, the convention started.  I'm not going to detail everything we saw and did.  Let's face it, I do not have the memory of an elephant.  Let's just say that we had a great time and stayed on the go the whole time.  Two of the biggest highlights for me was getting a hug from Grant Bowler who plays Nolan on Defiance (show on SyFy channel) for my excellent Ugly Betty knowledge and getting to meet George Takei.

 

Before we went to D*C we started watching another show on SyFy, Heroes of Cosplay.  The show documents several men and women as they developed costumes and competed in contests at conventions around the US.  I thought it was a great show that really showcased how much hard work and creativity is involved in cosplay.  Overall, I thought the show was very positive, but it did voice what is possibly a prejudice in the cosplay world.  I say possibly because I do know that a good bit of the show was editted to within an inch of its life and much could have been taken out of context.  Several of the people on the show made comments indicating their beliefs that overweight people shouldn't cosplay certain characters.  I call bullshit.  If a person pays attention to detail and does the costume right, who cares if they are a size 4 or a size 34?  Personally, I would love to see a plus sized woman cosplay Wonder Woman.  I would love to see her confidence as she portrayed such an iconic character and showed everyone that superheroes come in all shapes and sizes.  And honestly, if the thought of someone overweight cosplaying a character who is not overweight on paper or screen disgusts you, get over it.  I envy the confidence of overweight people who cosplay.  I wish that I had not spent so much of my life listening to so many people who said I couldn't do something because I was fat, or any other reason.  I wish instead of being cowed by disapproval, I had held my head high and told them to watch me while I suceeded.  Believe in yourself and make everyone else believe in you!

8-11-13

I have had a great weekend. A few months ago I bought tickets for my husband to see the Carolina Panthers play the Chicago Bears in Charlotte on Friday night. I took Friday off of work and we met up in Charlotte for lunch with two of my friends, Heather and Johnette, at a place called Dish. I liked the restaurant, but not so much what I ordered. I got the country fried steak which came with mashed potatoes and gravy and I got a bowl of fruit on the side. The potatoes were good, but I'm of the opinion that you can't really go wrong with real mashed potatoes. The steak, on the other hand needed a little help. It had a good flavor, but it was overly greasy and wasnt crunchy at all.  However, their sweet tea was exemplary, and that makes up for greasy country fried steak.

After we had lunch, we found our hotel and rested for a little while.  Then we walked down Trade Street and got a little to eat and then walked to the stadium. Not being familiar with the area and not having the foresight to look at a map and plan out our walking route we followed the advice of the people at the front desk of our hotel. By doing this we probably increased our walking by at least a third. We finally got there and found our seats. Total nosebleed section. 24 rows straight up to get to our seats. For some reason I had expected the seating to be the bleacher type variety not the chairs with sides. Fat asses and tiny seats don't exactly work together. We hung out for a while and decided to get something to drink and we also decided to stop by guest services to see if we had any options for more fat friendly seating.  Having to do this when you go to an event is a very humbling and embarrassing experience. While the workers are at least well trained enough not to make judgements to our faces, I will always wonder what they say after we've left. Anyway doing this caused us to have to walk all the way around the stadium twice (yay, activity!). We finally got something to drink, found our seats so that Michael could watch the game and I could watch the people (and read a trashy romance novel).  Watching an NFL game is much different than watching a college game. In my opinion the NFL game was more spectacle, whereas in college football it seems like there are more people involved in the game itself. Even a non-football fan like me can't help but get caught up in the enthusiasm of the fans at a college game. That enthusiasm seemed to be missing at this game. I still had a great time, though and Michael got to cross something else off of his bucket list. 

Yesterday morning we drove back home, picked up Flash at Lexington Pet Lodge (if you're looking for a really good place for grooming or to board your fur kid, look into them. They're really nice, clean, and they have no issue with you calling every day to check on your little pup. Not that I'd know or anything). We got home, took a really great nap and then went out for supper and to go see a movie. Between eating and the movie, we walked to Lane Bryant. I tried on a ton of clothes. Of course since I could only afford a few pieces, everything fit and looked nice. I ended up getting a cardigan, a top and a new pair of pants for work. The awesome news of the evening?  The pants are a size smaller. I'm finally into a size 26, which is kind of like saying I'm only humongous now instead of gargantuan. I'll take it. 

I have not been doing well in my Nerdfitness challenge. I have been a total slack ass.  Last week I didn't do any real exercise aside from my normal being up and about. I didn't track my food either, even though I still did well and didn't really lose control. Fitting into smaller pants has help my motivation again.  Friday evening we walked 2.5 miles getting to the stadium, around the stadium and back to the hotel, Saturday we did some walking while we were out for dinner and the movie and this morning we walked for about 35 minutes. I forgot to weigh myself this morning before we left the house so I'm not sure exactly where I am at the moment. I didn't weigh myself last week either. I'm going to do my best to have a better week this week and then remember to weigh next weekend sometime. My hope is that the scale says something between 265-263.  I'll be satisfied as long as it doesn't show more than 268. 

I feel good. I'm happier than I can ever really remember being. I don't feel defined by my size. I like me again. Best of all, I can look at myself in the mirror again and not be disgusted. There was a long time where I looked at only what I had to as I was getting ready for work or whatever. I couldn't point out a single thing about my appearance that I was satisfied with or liked. I can't call myself beautiful or attractive, but at least I'm not disgusting.  Beautiful and attractive is a work in progress. As of right now I'm down 75 lbs and I'm 6 lbs away from my lowest weight in recent memory (2007). I'm so excited about that and all of the things that losing weight is going to allow me to do in the future. 

7-28-13

First of all, this morning I got on the scale and I lost another 2 lbs.  75 lbs. total loss. 

Tomorrow starts another 6 week challenge over on NerdFitness.com.  My goals this time around aren't really much different than last time.  I plan on doing my Zombies, run workout 3-4 times per week, I'm going to do 2 two days of a bodyweight routine, I'm going to walk 2 days and I'm going to continue logging my food honestly on Loseit.com. 

I'm ready.  Went to the grocery store and have lots of good food, I have a plan for the week.  I am ready. 

7-21-13

What a week!  I'm glad it's over. 

Last Sunday was the last day of the challenge I was participating on the Nerd Fitness website.  I've kind of found myself floundering since then.  On Monday, one of my aunts passed away.  It was expected at any time, but that never makes it any easier.  Tuesday evening was the visitation and my brother came to stay the night with us because he lives in North Carolina and it was just easier for him that way.  After we were done at the funeral home we came back home, stopping to pick up chinese food for supper.  I had half of a General Tso's combo.  Not a good choice.  I would have been just as satisfied with a sandwich or a salad from home.  Then, Wednesday morning we took my brother out to breakfast at IHOP.  I had 3 pancakes, 3 scrambled eggs and 3 slices of bacon.  Again, not a good choice for a weekday.  We went to the funeral, to the graveside service and then back to the church for lunch where I scarfed down 2 pieces of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, green beans, 2 deviled eggs and a slice of cake.  Then, if that wasn't enough, several hours later after we got home we were still hungry so we got hamburgers and fries.  Thursday was no better.  Let's just say that I was channeling my inner Hobbit by having breakfast and 2 lunches.  Friday was a weird day.  Our building had gas fumes from some work going on in the garage and it was truly awful.  We stayed as long as we could, but we were all having issues with headaches, dizziness and the inability to concentrate.  Most everyone ended up leaving around lunchtime.  Michael took me out for lunch at our favorite Indian buffet.  Saturday involved another breakfast out, Krispy Kreme doughnuts and sneak eating.  It was just a bad week filled with poor food choices. 

This coming week, I will do better.  I plan on drinking a ton of water to help distract me from eating what I shouldn't.  I'm going to do my Zombies Run workout 3 days, I'm going to take a short walk at lunch 5 days.  I will do my bodyweight routine 2 days.  I will not spend money on food that I don't need.  But mainly, I'm not going to beat myself up for having a bad week last week.   Bad weeks happen, but I don't have to let them keep happening.

7-14-13

This has been a good week.  I find that it's rare to be able to say that on your first week back to work after a nice relaxing week at home.  The week was super busy, but super productive.  Some bad things happened, but bad things don't make a bad week, month, year or life.  This coming week I'll most likely have to make lemonade out of the lemons, but once you add some vodka, it will be even better. 

Anyway.  Last week was a good week.  Foodwise, I was totally on point, except for the day that I dropped my low calorie lunch all over the counter in the kitchen at work.  I ended up spending $5 and getting a sandwich and some chips from the canteen.  Not the best choices, but I managed to make it fit into the rest of my day.  exercise was good.  I even added 2 extra days of walking.  The two extra days of walking were totally because of my fitbit.  It just makes me want to move more!  The best part of the week, though was this morning.  I got on the scale and I had lost 4 lbs!  4 lbs!!!  I am proud to say that I'm 270 lbs.  That makes 8 lbs in the past 4-5 weeks.  73 lbs total.  27 lbs until I can say that I have lost 100 lbs.  Another 8 lbs and I will be my lowest weight since 2008 or earlier. 

I still find it unbelievable sometimes that I've come this far.  If I think back to when I decided to start trying to lose weight, I really never thought that it would be possible to lose this much.  I didn't believe in myself enought to ever think I could stick it out and be successful for this long.  I'm fit to burst with pride in myself, but it's definitely tempered with a huge amount of thankfulness and grattitude.  I still find myself worrying every day whether this is the day that I'll lose control and won't be able to get back on track.  One day at a time, though. 

7-7-13

Happy birthday to me!!  Today I celebrate my 38th year of awesomeness.  Turning another year older doesn't bother  me.  Not yet anyway.  I reserve the right to change my mind at a later date.  A much later date. 

I hear a lot of people my age who complain about being old or feeling old.  I just don't feel like I'm old or that I should feel that way when I'm only 38.  Maybe it's because I truly feel that aging is a natural process that we will all (hopefully) go through, where being old is more of a mindset.  For me, if I were to say I'm old, it would be like me saying that my best years are behind me and I'm starting to enter the end of my years on earth.  I certainly hope that's not the case, because I have a hell of a lot more living to do.  I love being the age that I am every year.  Aging and accepting our age isn't a bad thing.  It's all in the attitude with which we do it. 

Anytime I try to tell people about my viewpoint on aging versus being old i often get told that I just don't understand.  I don't understand having body aches and pains that I didn't have before a certain age.  They're right, I don't understand.  I don't understand because I've been having those aches and pains since I was 17 and they've only gotten worse!  I can't let that stop me though.  I've let too much in my life stop me. 

Anyway, soapbox moment over.  Be your age, love your age, enjoy your birthdays, because you never know when you might stop having them. 

Good things about this week:  Birthday!!!!  I've gotten to watch lots of Star Trek TNG.  I had a perfectly lovely Resident Evil movie marathon yesterday.  I've made a lot of progress on the blanket I'm making for the Linus Project.  I bought clothes at a store that up until this week I didn't know I could fit into their clothes again.  And last, but surely not least I lost another 2 lbs, bringing my total weightloss to 69 lbs. 

6-30-13

It is widely know that I do not merely have birthdays.  I have birthday weeks.  This is my birthday week.  I have the whole  week off to do whatever my little heart wants.  WooHoo!  This week, I'm grocery shopping (oh the excitement!), going to see a movie, taking myself out for lunch, getting a pedicure and being lazy.  I worked my ass off last week, so it's especially nice to know that I get a chance to be lazy and regroup a bit.  If I don't don't want to, I don't have to go anywhere, do anything.  All I truly have to do is just exist. 

This weekend, for my birthday, I bought myself a FitBit Flex.  It measures, steps, the calories you;ve burned, your sleep and probably other things that I haven't discovered  yet.  It's an interesting little device.  I'm looking forward to seeing my numbers as I wear it. 

Last week was fairly boring.  Super busy, but boring.  I was slack on my Zombies, Run workout.  I did my workout on Sunday, but Tuesday and Thursday just didn't happen.  The good news is that I didn't just sit on my ass and do nothing.  I had some heavy lifting and moving and stretching that I worked on every morning for work, so at least I was burning some calories.  I still did my bodyweight workout and I've been keeping up with my food and activity logging, and ta da!  Here's my weekly blog post.  I'm proud of myself for keeping up with everything, even though this past week wasn't so great for me learning how to run from zombies. 

6-21-13

I've managed to make it through another week of my six week challenge. Still doing well. I'm proud that I've stuck with it this long. As of Sunday I'll be halfway through.

Last weekend was my 20th high school reunion. It was a very small gathering. I wish more people would have come, but on the other hand I'm glad it was small. I kind of dreaded it the day of before we got there, but I recognize it was my social anxiety talking to me. I tried to at the very least say hello to all of my former classmates. It was nice to see and talk to everyone. Overall I think everyone has aged pretty gracefully. Obviously, my high school has a ton of graduates with good genes. I can truly say I'm looking forward to my 25th reunion now. I really hope more of my former classmates can join us next time. I'd really like to see if karma has kicked the people who made portions of my school life so miserable in the teeth yet.  It wasn't very many who were awful to me, but the ones who were really did a good job at making me feel like less than I was.

Last weekend was also important for another reason. On Sunday, my husband and I went to our local walking track and I ran in public for the first time since I was in elementary school and had to take part of the Presidential Fitness Test.  Even more momentous is that even when someone else showed up I didn't let my self consciousness stop me.  I hadn't even finished my ten minute warm up when they showed up, but just thought to myself, they don't know me, I don't know them, fuck it. I had zombies to out run.

6-11-13

I wish I could talk about work. I think it would be very cathartic and stress relieving.  But because I work for "The Man" I can't.  See, the first rule about working for "The Man" is you don't talk about working for "The Man". So I will not talk about working for "The Man" except to say I enjoy my job and almost everyone I work with. It can be stressful and frustrating, but very rewarding.

Stress does horrible things to me.  It's no one's fault but my own though. When I get stressed I stop doing little things that make a huge difference, like making to do lists, taking regular breaks, simply breathing. I also start doing things like not sleep, drink too much caffeine, put an inhuman amount of pressure on myself to be perfect.  This all leads to lovely things called panic attacks for me. Not pretty. Therapy has been invaluable to me over the past few years in recognizing my triggers and knowing how to deal with them and how to treat my panic attacks. Every day I make a to do list. Sometimes I just add to the previous day's list, but the important thing is having something where I can focus on one item at a time and see progress as I mark the items off my list.  That's probably the most important thing I do that helps keep me from being overwhelmed and out of control. I also regularly meditate. I also always have to remember that I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world and there's only so much I have in my power to do. That's what I can worry about, not what is not in my control.

Like I said above, I also take a regular break for lunch during the day. Sometimes it's only half of what I'm allowed, but I do take at least half to give me an opportunity to not have to answer the phone and to just veg out watching Netflix or Hulu, whatever strikes my fancy. Right now I'm watching Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. I clearly remember watching it with my brother when I was a little girl. It didn't last long, only 2 seasons. The first season was fun to watch. I enjoyed the lightheartedness and the hokiness.  The second season kind of sucks.  I think they tried to be too serious and they lost the fun of the first season. Buck lost his charm. I'm having a hard time making it through the end of the second season.

Anyway, that's how I handle my stress for the most part. It's all about finding what works for you like so many other things.

Week 2 of my challenge on Nerdfitness is going well.  I've completed 1of 3 Zombies, Run workout, I've logged my food and activity so far and with this post I've completed my weekly blog post. Tomorrow I have another Zombies, Run workout, thursday I have my body weight. Exercises and Friday I have my third Zombies, Run workout. 

6-5-13

How the hell did it get to be June already?  I have had grand plans of getting back on track with my blogging ever since I got back from Boston.  I've been planning things I wanted to talk about and thinking about everything I wanted to share, creating elaborate posts in my mind just waiting on that perfect day where time and space align and allow me to think of something other than work and my next meal. As you can see, that worked out really well for me.

Boston was awesome. I fell in absolute love with Boston Common, the Public Gardens and the Duck Pond. We picked the perfect time to go there. Everything was in bloom and it wasn't horribly hot. The other place I fell in love with was Salem. I loved the mix of modern and old world quaintness. Everyone was super friendly and nice. For example, I found a yarn store, Seed Stitch Fine Yarns, and the people knitting and working were so wonderful!  They all took time to talk with me and the person working showed me some of her favorite yarns.  It was great!  I would definitely recommend them and I'd love to go back.

Things I proud of about our trip:

• I fit in the Airplane seat without any trouble.  I was even comfortable!
• I did not get lost or killed using public transportation.  Not getting lost was though no fault of my own because Denise and Michael were in charge of navigation. Not getting killed was touch and go. The T required balance to not topple over when the train started moving and strength to hang on. 
• I kept up. We did a huge amount of walking while we were in Boston. When Denise has a destination in mind and is trying to find it, she moves with a purpose and a conviction and goodness help you if you can't keep up. I might not have stayed right beside her, but I was able to stay pretty darn close.  
• I did not gain any weight while vacationing even though I ate like it was my job while we were there.  

If you want to see my picture, and I took a lot, they're on my Facebook page. Feel free to peruse at your leisure if we're friends and if we aren't friends, why the heck not?  I'm awesome and I'm pretty sure since you're reading this blog you are too.  Friend me, just please send me a message to let me know who you are and where you found me. 

In Boston, Denise and I talked about some things that we'd like to do someday.  So I started thinking about some of my goals for the future once I've lost more weight.  I'd like to go zip-lining, maybe skydiving, go horseback riding, go to an amusement park and ride rollercoasters, complete a 5k, shop in a regular sizes clothing store, just to name a few.  Most of these go hand in hand with weightloss.  Until I lose more weight I just won't be allowed to do some, like skydive, horseback ride, ride rollercoasters because from what I've seen they have weight limits.  I'm getting there though.  It won't be today and it probably won't be tomorrow, but one day it will happen.  As a positive step in accomplishing my goals I've signed up to participate in a 6 week challenge on nerdfitness.com.  Part of the challenge is to come up with 4 goals to work toward. 

 My goals:

1.      Train for a 5k using the Zombies Run app on my iPhone. 

2.      Do bodyweight exercises one day a week.

3.      Log my food and activity honestly every day.

4.      Blog once a week. 

I feel like I've got a good realistic goals and I have a good chance of accomplishing them.  I don't think they'll be too difficult, but they do still pose a challenge because I have a bad habit of getting lazy partway through. 

5-21-13

This has been an incredibly busy couple of months.  Between my work, knitting and our trip to Boston, I don't feel like I've stopped moving.   

A few months ago a former co-worker was diagnosed with cancer.  Some current co-workers and I made hats for her as she goes through chemo.  Some of the hats were conservative, some of the hats were whimsical, but all of the hats were made with love and good wishes.   

Making these hats made me think a lot about everything I have in my life to be thankful for.  I'm healthy, I'm gainfully employed at a job that I'm pretty decent at, I can pay my bills, I have food on my table, a fantastic husband, a great dog at my feet, a cat on my lap and the creative ability to make things, just to name a few.  Even on bad days I have so much to be grateful for.  Lately, though, I feel like it's just not enough to be merely grateful, even though that is extremely important.  I feel the need to send a huge thank you out to the universe to show how grateful I am for everything I have.  To do this I'm going to find opportunities to donate food items, hats, blankets, anything I am able to and can afford in an effort to bring even a little comfort and happiness to people who aren't as lucky as I am to have so much. 

2-27-13

I came across an interesting article the other day and thought it was pretty eye-opening to body image issues on both sides of the fence. It's very easy to not realize how hurtful some comments are to the opposite group. Just because we might not have any experience being on that other side of the fence does not give us any right to make shaming comments.
 

 

 In my experience making shaming comments says so much about the person making the comment. For me, when I've made such comments in the past, they've been more of a commentary on my own shame in my appearance, resentfulness that my metabolism and lack of willpower won't allow me to eat whatever I want, and a shocking lack of self-love and confidence. My shortcomings are no excuse to make shaming comments to or about anyone, though, so to anyone I've ever made these comments to or about, I sincerely apologize.

In other news...Today has been the first day since last week where I haven't felt so hungry I wanted to chew off my own arm.  I even resisted girl scout cookies at work today!  Someone brought in a box of the peanut butter sandwich cookies and I only had 2.  Very proud of myself.  In the past I would have snuck out and grabbed a few everytime I had a chance. 

2-25-13

This weekend has been really, really difficult.  It's almost like there was a hole in my stomach that I just couldn't fill, no matter what or how much I ate.  I still managed to do ok, but it's been so very frustrating.  Because I haven't been able to find what food will satisfy me I haven't been abe to stop thinking about food.  And because I haven't been able to find what food will satisfy me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about food it's made me a bit anxious.  I'm really hoping that a busy workweek will help me keep focused on better things than food. 

This week my goals are to walk everyday before work, do wall pushups and jumping jacks, get on the exercise bike twice, track my food each day, keep my desk neat and organized at work and to knit at least 10 repeats on my knitting project. 

2-24-13

I finally managed to finish a knitting project this week.  I say finally, because I've been working on this particular project since July or maybe even earlier.  I don't know why this one took me so long.  It just couldn't keep my attention even though I really like the pattern and yarn.  Now Ijust have to block it and it will be completely completed. 

I pushed myself to finish this week because I have been dying to start something new.  I had found a skein of yard that I had forgotten I had and I had already chosen the pattern.  All I had to do was wind my yarn into a ball so I could work with it.  Sounds simple right?  I've done that dozens of times before with no problems, but this time was just one big problem.  Usually I'll drape the skein over the top of a chair and unwind it off the skein and into a ball.  Easy peasy.  I was watching tv and apparently not paying enough attention.  The next thing I knew, the yarn had fallen off the chair onto the floor and Flash was trotting up to try out the new toy I had just put out for him.  I grabbed the yarn as quickly as I could, but the damage had been done.  The rest of the skein was a gnarled, ragged, knotty mess.  I worked on it for about 2 hours longer without making any visible progress.  Ended up going to bed at 3am.  Woke up and was back at it by 9:30 Saturday morning.  I  won't say how long I actually worked on it, but let's just I didn't end up going to bed until after 4am.  It was a great exercise in patience and remaining calm even though I really wanted to toss the whole mess into the garbage.  It was also an almost perfect illustration of bullheaded stubbornness.  Today, I knit!

And just because, here's a picture of my pup, Flash.

2-20-13

 

 

I was paid a tremendous compliment today by a former co-worker. She told me I looked fabulous and then said she didn't want to be rude or anything, but have I lost weight? My head grew three sizes (which helped balance out my hips a little) and I said yes, yes I have. 65 lbs! That totally made my day. It also made me think about rude things that people do say to people who are overweight and how I feel about it. In case you're wondering, asking if I've lost weight is not rude at all.

 

Things to never say to or about a fat person (unless you want to be an asshole).

 

Anything regarding a fupa or a gunt. Maybe you aren't fat or overweight and I'm happy for you. Truly. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer from it. However, the old adage about walking a mile in my shoes applies to this situation. Would you want to listen to someone freely make comments if it was you? Imagine if you were listening to someone talk about your child. Fat people are well aware of what we look like. We know we have lumps and bumps and fat rolls in unbecoming areas. My fat body parts are none of your concern.

 

All you have to do is eat less/stop eating. Really? No fat person on earth has ever come up with that solution, thanks for sharing. For some people it is that simple. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Food is an addiction for me and countless other people. It's not something that can be treated like quitting drinking, smoking or doing drugs. I wish I could go even an hour without being compelled to eat or think about eating. I love everything about food. But on the other hand, I hate everything about food too. As long as food continues to be something I have to do in order to live, though, it will always be a prison that I cannot escape from.

 

Anything about the size of a person and how disgusted you are. You might not be commenting specifically about me, but you might as well be. If we're having a conversation about a parent (who I know weighs significantly less than me) at your child's daycare who you say is bigger than a circus tent, what do you think I'm hearing? The fact that you feel justified in making that sort of comment about anyone speaks volumes.

 

You have such a pretty face…There are a lot of ways to end that sentence and I can't really think of a single good one. The one that I heard most often while I was growing up was…if only you'd lose some weight so the rest of you would catch up. I remember thinking when I was a child how great it was that someone thought my face was pretty. It wasn't until I was older when I heard the person who always told me that say it about someone else and then go on to say what she really thought about the person's appearance. The general theme was she had such a pretty face, but it was a pity that the rest of her was such a mess.

 

 

I know that not everyone means such things in any malicious way, but in many instances it absolutely is.  Befpre you put voice to any of these comments or anything similar, please think first. 

 

 

2-18-13

What an exciting weekend this has been!  I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that my husband and I are going to Boston.  He had an opportunity to get tickets to see the Red Sox play the first full week of May and that's what led to us planning tis trip.  We've known since the end of December that we would be going, but we've been waiting until we got our taxes done to actually book anything.  I am happy to report that we got our tax refund Saturday morning and we have now booked and paid for our entire trip!  We leave here on May 6 and come home on May 10 and we're staying at the Revere Hotel.  We are so stinking excited!!!!! 

We also went to see a movie Saturday morning which we haven't done in quite a while.  We saw Identity Thief with Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy.  We loved it!  It was so funny!  Sunday I planned what meals we'll have for the next couple weeks and went grocery shopping.  We came home and I premade some stuff.  Today was a State holiday so Michael and I have had the day off.  we went out this morning and got new car insurance.  I know that doesn't sound exciting at all, but trust me it is.  We're saving money and we'll no longer be doing business with Nationwide.  Win, win.  Since we've been home I've done some more cooking. 

When we decided to go to Boston, we knew we would have to try to save money so that we can afford to do everything we want to.  One of our biggest money sucks has been picking up dinner on the way home from work.  Not only is that not frugal, it's also not very healthy in the long run.   I knew I had to figure out something that would be convenient, but healthy.  I started digging around Pinterest and found a ton of recipes that i could premake and freeze.  I've been planning 2 weeks of meals and shopping the weekend after each payday.  Then the day I do my grocery shopping I cook and prepare as much as I can. 

Here is my meal plan for the next while:
Quinoa, Spinach and Mushroom salad (use less salt than recipe calls for)
Chicken and Mushroom Casserole (added one onion, thinly sliced and 1 tsp. chopped garlic)
Shrimp Pie
Pork Carnitas (don't change a single thing!  Seriously.  Don't do it.)
Baked Tilapia and Sweet Potatoes
Chicken Sandwiches and corn on the cob
Chicken Pot Pie
Quesadillas
Chicken and Apple Meatloaf (used extra lean ground turkey instead of chicken)
Chicken, Kale and Rice bake (I'm using chicken instead of smoked turkey)
Chicken in White Wine Sauce, Sauteed Kale and Sweet Potatoes

Yesterday I made the Pork Carnitas and put it in the fridge.  We'll have burritoes with it on Tuesday night.  I also made the Quinoa, Spinach and Mushroom salad for supper last night.  Michael took the chicken off of two rotisserie chickens for the Chicken and Mushroom Casserole and the Chicken, Kale and Rice bake.  Today I made the Chicken and Mushroom Casserole and the Chicken and Apple Meatloaf.   Now, all I have to do, for the most part, is heat stuff up when I get home and that definitely counts as a plus in the win column! 

2-13-13

Being successful looks different to everyone.  At work I count myself successful everytime someone comes to me to deal with an issue or problem that no one else could possibly know the answer to.  I will consider myself successful at knitting when I win the big premium first place ribbon at the State Fair.  I will consider myself successful at weightloss once I'm skinny and hot.  But wait a minute.  Shouldn't each and every pound be considered its own success? 

I'm currently  making my way through the entire series of The Biggest Loser.  Have you watched before?  I have some issues with the show, but overall it's still good.  Anyway, one thing I've noticed over the years is that unless they lose some outrageous number everyweek, they don't consider themselves successful.  Today, someone lost 5 pounds and complained that it was a bad week.  If that's a bad week, sign me up. 

2-12-13

Back to the normal, everyday grind today.  I wish I could have gotten more on my to do list done yesterday, but I got the ones that I really needed to taken care of, especially going through my clothes to see what fits.  I bagged up 3 garbage bags full of clothes and one bag of shoes.  I'm excited to take them to Goodwill and get them out of my house forever!  Even better, though, I found several pairs of pants that fit, some that are about to fit and some that I missed my window of opportunity on.  I can't help but feel a little like Goldilocks.  These pants are too little, these pants are too big, these pants are juuuuust right!

Being able to get rid of so much and finding so much that i could wear again was great.  It's very motivating, especially if the scale isn't moving and my scale isn't moving at all.  I have not lost so much as an ounce since shortly after Thanksgiving.  My clothes are fitting differently, so that's still proof of progress, right?

I'm sticking with it.  I'm not going to let myself get discouraged. I'm not going to let myself start doubting that I will do this.  There is no time limit involved. (Although I'd really appreciate it if I could lose 35 more pounds by the first week of May.). I have to continue to be persistent, keep within my calorie limit, and be active for 20-30 minutes everyday.  I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't lose another 35 lbs by May, but I must admit it would be awfully sweet to do it.  That way I could get on that plane to Boston and be able to say that I had lost 100 lbs.

Until then I'll just enjoy shopping in my closet and looking cute in my "new" clothes.

2-11-13

Motivation on a Monday 

I am no fan of Mondays. Except for today.  Definitely a fan of this Monday.  I took the day off of work so I can be a lady of leisure.  Before I can be a lady of leisure though, I have to get some things accomplished first. I hate having to do anything other than be lazy on days off.

The first thing I need to do is come up with a plan. My plans usually take the form of a to do list. I love to do lists. I start the majority of my days with a list of things I need to accomplish. Sometimes my lists are so long and involved, my lists have lists.  I used to laugh at my mother for the lists she would create. If only I had known then how handy lists are!

To do lists are awesome!  They keep me focused, they keep me from being overwhelmed by my often over abundant tasks, they make me happy when I cross something off.  They represent tangible proof that I've accomplished something in the course of my day.

So. Here's my list for today.

1. 20 minutes on exercise bike.  Completed!
2. 3 sets of jumping jacks, wall push ups, arm exercises. Completed!
3. Shower. 
4. Clean off kitchen table. 
5. Put supper in the crock pot. 
6. Take something out of freezer for supper on Tuesday. 
7. Go through clothes in bed room and guest room to see what no longer fits. 
8. Sort through shoes to see what no longer gets worn. 
9. Straighten up living room. 
10. Soak and block baby blanket. 
11. Work on scarf (at least one pattern repetition). 
12. Update Blue Card spreadsheet for work. 
13. Start planning recipe list for next two weeks. 
14. Wash a load of clothes. 
15. Put away clothes. 

It seems likely that I'm forgetting something.  I can always add to the list though. Will I be able to get it all done today?

2-10-13

I used to weigh 361 pounds.

Yes, you read that right.  361 lbs.  Trust me, you are no more disgusted by that number than I was. I remember the day I saw that number so well. I was over at my friend, Heather's, house.  I had gone to use her restroom and her scale was there and I thought what the hell, why not?  I stepped on and quickly stepped right back off as that number popped up. 361 lbs. How the hell did that happen?

I have always been overweight.  It wasn't until after my husband Michael and I got married that I actively tried to do something about it.  We joined Weight Watchers. Great program, but it didn't fit the way my brain worked.  I plugged away and within five years I managed to lose 50 lbs.  yeah, it took my five years to lose 50 lbs.  Not a stellar performance, I have to admit.  It couldn't even keep it off while I was on WW.  I had gained back about 15 lbs when I finally said fuck it, if I was gaining weight back I could do that just as well without paying $10 a week.  So, I quit. I partially rationalized it by telling myself I was going to be saving gobs of money and I had been on WW for five years, of course I could do it on my own.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I went right back into every bad habit I ever learned. It was awful. I was constantly eating crap foods and sitting on my ass. What did I expect to happen?  My clothes got tighter, I felt worse physically and mentally.  I finally had let enough weight pack on that I was no longer able to buy clothes from brick and mortar stores.  I had to order everything and even half of that didn't fit.  I could no longer easily do things that normal people could do like sit in a booth in a restaurant, walk down the hall without breaking a sweat and losing my breath...I couldn't bend down to tie my own damn shoes!  My knees and ankles and feet constantly hurt and were often swollen. I disgusted myself. I couldn't bear to even look at myself in the mirror. I constantly thought about food. How wonderful it tasted and all the great things I could eat and when I would eat again and how much better food would make  mefeel.  Except it never did make me feel better,  it just made me more disgusted with myself. But I just couldn't stop. It was my drug, my compulsion.

You'd think that seeing 361 pop up on that scale would have snapped me out of it, right?  Wrong.  That number meant that i weighed more than every other single person I knew.  It meant that i had gained almost 100 pounds since quitting WW.  It meant that I was even more disgusting than I had originally thought.  I kept sitting on my ass and I kept shoveling food down my gullet, although not as bad as I had been.  I tried to make a few better choices, but overall I was still eating crap food.

I should probably mention at this point that I see a therapist.  It started out to help me learn how to deal with anxiety attacks, but Dr. P has helped me in a ton of ways, like with social anxiety and my (usually false) perceptions of what people think of me.  It was around this time that I had met one goal and was ready to figure out a new goal to work toward.  The one thing I wanted to do was get my desire for food under control and lose weight.  I was so ashamed about my lack of control over it that I was almost too scared and ashamed to ask for help. I talked to Dr. P. I cried to her. I damn near begged her to help me figure out how to control myself and break my food addiction. 

I knew WW wasn't the answer for me this time.  I knew surgery wasn't the answer for me.  I wasn't keen on the idea of a group like Overeaters Anonymous.  I finally found a website that focused on counting calories, Lose It.  After much thought, I decided that's what I'd do.  I started on November 28, 2011.  From the start, it was liberating to be able to eat whatever I wanted.  Yes, I could do the same thing when I was on WW, but counting calories allowed me to have a much more realistic mindset about it.  I have never felt deprived like I have to give anything up.  On WW I had 30-something points I could eat a day.  With counting calories, I started out with being able to eat around 1800 calories per day.  That just sounds like so much more than 30 something points a day!  I didn't weigh myself immediately when I started counting calories.  I was scared of what the scale would say.  I made myself get on the scale after that first week.  343 lbs.  From May to November I had lost weight!  Even without being on any program.  That helped me see that even the smallest changes can give great results. 

Since that time, which I count as my true starting point, I've lost 65 lbs.  I feel great!  I've gone from a size 34 pant size to being pretty solidly in a 28.  I can shop in Lane Bryant again!  I still have a really long way to go, but I'm getting there.  Every day is a struggle, but every day that I can say that I controlled food rather than food controlling me is a pretty awesome day.  I hope I haven't lost you in this huge, rambling post.  I hope you come back and read more about where I've been and where I go with this.  I hope you get even just a little bit from this blog that will help you. 

I'll be back, but until then, here are some pictures...

This was in September 2011.

This was in October or November of 2012.