1-26-14

I love Fat Amy. She unapologetically owns who and what she is in a way that gives her an armor against assholes.  It's one thing to own a label before anyone else has an opportunity to label you, but it's something else entirely for anyone else to label you with out your consent.

My grandmother was very overweight for many many years. My grandfather was very skinny. As a couple they were the very picture of the nursery rhyme about Jack Spratt.  I often heard people refer to the two of them as Fat Toye and Poor Sammie. People had the audacity to say this to their faces with no shame and often with a laugh. While I never heard my grandmother make any complaint over her nickname (she wasn't the type who would make waves complaining about something like that) I can only imagine how I would have felt in her shoes. Anytime my brother and I were being normal siblings and picking on each other and I ran in and would complain about him calling me names she would always tell me to remember "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Out of all the things my grandmother taught me and advice she gave me I call bullshit on this one. Words hold extreme power. The power to make you feel love, happiness, fear, worthlessness, self-hatred. Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but what if you don't have the confidence or self worth to know that you don't have to consent to someone being hurtful?

1-22-14

This has been a rough week so far. We've been short handed at work combined with just plain being busy, plus having a holiday added in. I feel like my brain is either not running fast enough to keep up with the world around me or the world is in slow motion compared to how my brain is functioning or some combination of the two. I just don't feel like I've got everything running in the same direction at the same time.  Because of this I just need to make sure that I keep my head above water this week in order to consider the week a success.  I might not be perfect with my eating, but I need to stay in control and remain mindful. even though I totally didn't plan on feeling this way this week or plan to have an easy week, I'm not going to beat myself up because I have a need to have an easy week.  The ability to do this and not fall off track is part of what being successful at weightloss looks like to me.

Week 3 no spending challenge in review:
Yesterday marked the end of week 3. I did spend a bit more money than I had planned, but nothing extraordinary. Saturday night I spent $19 on supper for me and my husband and on Monday I spent more than I planned on groceries, but it was all on things that, while I didn't need it right away, will be needed and used soon. Usually at this point in the month I'd be lucky if I had $30 to last until the end of the month.  Thanks to the no spending challenge and the 52 week savings challenge I have almost $200 in my savings account and I almost have enough in my checking account to make my car payment for February. Visible progress!

1-12-14

I've been thinking a lot in the past week about what inspires and motivates me. The reason it's been on mind is that I've heard from a lot of people in the past week, and honestly longer, that my weightloss and attitude about my weightloss inspires them and has helped motivate them. People look up to me and respect the efforts I've made in the past 2+ years of my weightloss.  While I am uncomfortable being anyone's inspiration (unless it's as a caveat of what not to do), I am also deeply moved and gratified by your thoughts.

What inspires me and motivates me

I am inspired by people who make exercise and healthful living a normal part of their life. The person who sticks out in my mind is a person I know from various web communities I've belonged to over the years. She gets up early and goes to the gym every morning before work.  She eats the right fuel for her body.  She makes herself and her health a priority.  She does this quietly and doesn't expect parades or parties in her honor.  It's just what she does to stay and be healthy. And you know what?  It totally pays off!  She's gorgeous!  (that bitch).  That's the kind of life I want and am trying to craft for myself (except, who am I kidding?  I totally want parades and parties).

I am motivated by a lot.

First of all I'm motivated by myself. I know that sounds conceited, but really I don't feel that it is. I don't want to be the Monica from 2 years ago. That Monica was killing herself without even really knowing. She was miserable. I do not want to be that Monica!  When I feel my motivation slipping or when I feel super extra hungry or when I catch myself slipping into old habits, I think of that Monica and remember the bad stuff from 100 lbs ago.

I am motivated by tv shows about weightloss. Think shows like Biggest Loser or My 600lb Life or Extreme Weightloss. While I don't think shows like these always represent a true picture of healthy, sustainable weightloss I love seeing people turn their lives around.

I am motivated by every person who has ever said that a morbidly obese person can't lose weight without surgery.  Every time I hear a comment like this whether it is in the media or real life, I think to myself, 'oh yeah?  Watch me!'.   *please note that I do not say this as a commentary against weightloss surgery, only that I knew it wasn't the choice for me. Weightloss surgery is a powerful tool that should not ever be discounted.

I am motivated by my husband and being a model of health for him. I'm not getting into my reasons for that, because I don't want to get into anything that he might feel is too private. Let's just leave it at he's my husband.  I love him and want him around for a long time.

And finally, I am motivated by all of you. Every comment and like on Facebook, everytime someone's face lights up when I tell them how much I've lost, every time anyone compliments me. I don't want that to stop, so I'm going to keep going.

Sometimes I feel that I can't be anyone's inspiration until I've gotten to a healthy weight and have successfully maintained it for a while, but I don't think that's really fair. I think it's important for people to see the struggle of weightloss and not only the end result. It humanizes weight issues.

So thank you to anyone who might look to me for inspiration and motivation. I will try to do right by you by doing right by me.

1-5-14

Happy new year!

I don't know abut anyone else, but I was so darn glad to see the end of 2013. Overall the year was good, but from the end of September through the first part of December sucked big, hairy, smelly donkey nuts.

At the end of September our air conditioning went out and we had to get a new unit. Then we had some plumbing issues that we had to take care of.  We were hemorraging money, it felt like.Then November came. It went well for a while. Michael and I celebrated our 11th anniversary.  Then our car started acting up. It finally got to the point where we had to take it to get looked at.  After all, we only have one car and we didn't want to get left somewhere. We hoped it would be a simple and fairly inexpensive fix. Ha!  Little did we know. It turned out to be a bad transmission that would cost way, way more than we had.  So exactly eight years to the day we had gotten our Beetle we found ourselves getting a new car. I like the new car (2014 Camry), but I miss my bug. It was my dream car and so much fun!  And more importantly it was paid for.   To say all of that put a damper on our Christmas would be a vast understatement. I have been incredibly stressed out because of money and trying to make sure we can afford everything we need to.  I've also been sick off and on since October with sinus issues. I think I finally have that under control now, though.  Anyway, I'm ready for the fresh start of a new year.

I feel like I've got some exciting things in the works for 2014, mostly having to do with money. First of all, a coworker and I are doing a 52 week savings challenge. Each week you're supposed to put an amount of money into your savings. Week one= $1, week 2 = $2 and so on and so forth. We're doing it a little differently though. We're switching it around so that week 1 is $52, week 2 is $51...for me I'm doing it a little differently still. Every payday I'm transferring the amount for the 2 or 3 weeks into my savings.  I've already done all my calculations and scheduled all of the transfers into savings so that I wont have any excuses.  It's already done and I won't have to think about it at all. And the best thing is that by the end of the year I'll have saved $1387. Second of all the same coworker and I are doing a monthlong no spending challenge. Well, it's more of an only spend what you absolutely have to to survive challenge. We're keeping each other honest so far. I'm allowing myself to buy fresh fruits and veggies as needed, but not much else. We're also using the mint.com app on our phones to keep track of our spending and saving and to develope a good, workable budget for ourselves. My goal for the year is to pay off 2 small store credit cards, save the money for my next tattoo and to get a nice start on the money we'll need for our next big trip: London 2016 or 2015. I don't remember which one Michael and I agreed on.

I also want to make a plan for this blog. I neglect it because I don't have a plan to stick to. I need to make time to figure that out.  I also need to make time to respond to some people who have recently reached out to me. I tend to put stuff like that off until I have the perfect opportunity to focus on it, but sometimes you just have to make the opportunity instead of waiting for it to appear.

And last, but not least....weight. As of this morning I have lost 103 lbs!  I was sticking right at 98 lbs gone, but. This morning i made it!!  I have lost 100 lbs. all by myself with hard work and determination. My next goal is to make it to 230 lbs which is the weight on my driver's license. Overall, I'd like to lose at least 30 lbs, hopefully more by the end of the year. I'd love to be under 200 sometime this year, but I'm not going to let it stop me if I don't make it.

11-2-13

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

In the past two years I've made lots of positive changes in my life. One of the more important changes is taking control of my relationship with food and binge eating. That's not to say I no longer have problems w ith food and binge eating, just that it's much less often. Tonight was one of those nights where there were problems.

First let me tell you about my weekend so far. I took Thursday, Friday and Monday off of work this weekend because I'm faced with the most wonderful problem of employment ever: use your leave or lose it. So use it I shall. Thursday I was at home by myself. I hadn't planned on doing anything at all except for knitting, drinking coffee and spoiling Zed, Vex and Flash and napping. I woke up around 7-ish and made myself some grits for breakfast. Then I went through some of my clothes to see if there was anything that I couldn't wear any more, knit a little, made myself a tomato sandwich for lunch, waited on a repairman to fix our sofa, napped, made supper, knit some more. Overall a great, relaxing day. Food wise I did fantastic!  I usually have a really hard time when I'm home by myself with controlling my eating.  It usually turns into an all I can eat buffet of bad choices and sneak eating.  I'm proud that Thursday didn't turn into that day. Friday Michael and I went grocery shopping with his dad, then we went to get a late lunch at Huhot where I got lots of veggies with chicken, which was awesome because lately I've had to eat way too much of my own cooking.  After lunch we went to Michael's so I could get stitch markers and point protectors for knitting needles. Then I had a brief and fruitless search for boots.  Today, we got up early to take the car to get the oil changed, I bought a turkey roaster for thanksgiving, went to Target, went to World Market came home, napped.

After my nap, Michael and I decided to go out for an early dinner. We decided to go to a local Chinese buffet.  I started out with sushi. Usually when we go to this buffet I fill up on everything else and either pass on the sushi or stuff myself and end up miserable. I had the sushi, then moved on to the rest of the tasty Chinese food. I made sure I ate slowly and if I didn't like something I didn't eat more of it. I didn't think I had eaten all that much, but by the time we were finished I was miserable.  I seriously considered making myself  throw up, but that's too much of a slippery slope. I finally feel better, but feeling so stuffed was miserable. I don't even remember the last time I felt like that. Looking back on it, I recognize that I ignored that my hunger was satisfied and instead just focused on how tasty the food was. Major mindfulness failure.

No matter how miserable I was, it was a good reminder that I do need to maintain constant vigilance (Mad-Eye Moody) so that i don't fall into old habits again.

10-27-13

The last couple weeks have been kind of up and down for me.  I've been thinking a lot about the progress I've made in the past 2 years.  I've lost over 80 lbs and that's pretty damn amazing no matter how heavy you are or were. But I can't help but feel a little sad too because while I've lost a lot, I still have so far to go until I'm a normal, healthy weight.  I'm still fat. Still.  I'm not discouraged by that, though. If anything it makes me want to get there even more.  So I've been comparing where I was to where I am.  When I first started I was 343 lbs. My BMI was around 58.  I was wearing about a size 32-34.  I couldn't walk down the hall at work without losing my breath. My feet and ankles were almost always swollen and sore. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Now my BMI is just a smidge under 40. I can wear a size 26.  Not only can I walk down the hall without any issue, I can run down the hall if I choose to and not feel like I'm going to die. My feet and ankles are nice and boney again and my appearance no longer disgusts me. Every bit of that is good progress.

The last time I blogged I had lost 81 lbs. I'm happy to say that as of yesterday I'm down 90 lbs. 90 lbs!!!  That's only 10 lbs away from hitting 100 lbs by the end of November. And I will still be fat. But I'll only be 13 lbs away from the weight my driver's license says I am. And once I hit that, I'll only be 30 lbs from being out of the 200s.  I have so much to look forward to!

10-13-13 Post 2 of 3

I am happy to report that I am down 81 lbs.  It could be more, but I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks.  I've been sick so exercise and such hasn't been first on my mind.  The last week of September I got an awful cough with congestion and a fever.  I feel 90% back to normal, but I still have a small cough.  It's getting better every day, though.  Other than exercise, I've been doing pretty good with staying on track.  Some days are better than others, but that's pretty normal.  Anyway, I'm 19 lbs away from my goal.  It seems like I get farther and farther away from being able to meet that goal by the end of November.  I have to keep remembering that life will not end if I don't make it by the end of November.  It's not like all the weight is going to pile back on overnight if I don't meet it.  I am still going to be awesome regardless. 

While I was sick, our air conditioner died.  I was willing, at first, to try to wait as long as possible before getting a new ac.  However, that was before I remembered how utterly and completely miserable that life without air conditioning is.  I had the windows up and every fan I could find blowing right on me and I was still sweating.  I am truly thankful that it wasn't July or August when it happened.  Within a day I was ready to sell my left arm and any other appendage to get the air fixed.  It's now fixed and I am comfortable again.  Although selling my left arm and any other appendage might have come out cheaper.

Before all of that happened, though we added another furkid to our family.  The newest member of the family is Vex.

She's so cute and she has the greatest pur, but damn she's pestering our cat, Zed, like crazy.  I forgot how kittens are into everything and how everything like feet and fingers are playtoys for their amusement.  Needless to say, I have cat scratches on top of cat scratches.  It really is a good thing that she's so darn cute. 

8-11-13

I have had a great weekend. A few months ago I bought tickets for my husband to see the Carolina Panthers play the Chicago Bears in Charlotte on Friday night. I took Friday off of work and we met up in Charlotte for lunch with two of my friends, Heather and Johnette, at a place called Dish. I liked the restaurant, but not so much what I ordered. I got the country fried steak which came with mashed potatoes and gravy and I got a bowl of fruit on the side. The potatoes were good, but I'm of the opinion that you can't really go wrong with real mashed potatoes. The steak, on the other hand needed a little help. It had a good flavor, but it was overly greasy and wasnt crunchy at all.  However, their sweet tea was exemplary, and that makes up for greasy country fried steak.

After we had lunch, we found our hotel and rested for a little while.  Then we walked down Trade Street and got a little to eat and then walked to the stadium. Not being familiar with the area and not having the foresight to look at a map and plan out our walking route we followed the advice of the people at the front desk of our hotel. By doing this we probably increased our walking by at least a third. We finally got there and found our seats. Total nosebleed section. 24 rows straight up to get to our seats. For some reason I had expected the seating to be the bleacher type variety not the chairs with sides. Fat asses and tiny seats don't exactly work together. We hung out for a while and decided to get something to drink and we also decided to stop by guest services to see if we had any options for more fat friendly seating.  Having to do this when you go to an event is a very humbling and embarrassing experience. While the workers are at least well trained enough not to make judgements to our faces, I will always wonder what they say after we've left. Anyway doing this caused us to have to walk all the way around the stadium twice (yay, activity!). We finally got something to drink, found our seats so that Michael could watch the game and I could watch the people (and read a trashy romance novel).  Watching an NFL game is much different than watching a college game. In my opinion the NFL game was more spectacle, whereas in college football it seems like there are more people involved in the game itself. Even a non-football fan like me can't help but get caught up in the enthusiasm of the fans at a college game. That enthusiasm seemed to be missing at this game. I still had a great time, though and Michael got to cross something else off of his bucket list. 

Yesterday morning we drove back home, picked up Flash at Lexington Pet Lodge (if you're looking for a really good place for grooming or to board your fur kid, look into them. They're really nice, clean, and they have no issue with you calling every day to check on your little pup. Not that I'd know or anything). We got home, took a really great nap and then went out for supper and to go see a movie. Between eating and the movie, we walked to Lane Bryant. I tried on a ton of clothes. Of course since I could only afford a few pieces, everything fit and looked nice. I ended up getting a cardigan, a top and a new pair of pants for work. The awesome news of the evening?  The pants are a size smaller. I'm finally into a size 26, which is kind of like saying I'm only humongous now instead of gargantuan. I'll take it. 

I have not been doing well in my Nerdfitness challenge. I have been a total slack ass.  Last week I didn't do any real exercise aside from my normal being up and about. I didn't track my food either, even though I still did well and didn't really lose control. Fitting into smaller pants has help my motivation again.  Friday evening we walked 2.5 miles getting to the stadium, around the stadium and back to the hotel, Saturday we did some walking while we were out for dinner and the movie and this morning we walked for about 35 minutes. I forgot to weigh myself this morning before we left the house so I'm not sure exactly where I am at the moment. I didn't weigh myself last week either. I'm going to do my best to have a better week this week and then remember to weigh next weekend sometime. My hope is that the scale says something between 265-263.  I'll be satisfied as long as it doesn't show more than 268. 

I feel good. I'm happier than I can ever really remember being. I don't feel defined by my size. I like me again. Best of all, I can look at myself in the mirror again and not be disgusted. There was a long time where I looked at only what I had to as I was getting ready for work or whatever. I couldn't point out a single thing about my appearance that I was satisfied with or liked. I can't call myself beautiful or attractive, but at least I'm not disgusting.  Beautiful and attractive is a work in progress. As of right now I'm down 75 lbs and I'm 6 lbs away from my lowest weight in recent memory (2007). I'm so excited about that and all of the things that losing weight is going to allow me to do in the future. 

7-28-13

First of all, this morning I got on the scale and I lost another 2 lbs.  75 lbs. total loss. 

Tomorrow starts another 6 week challenge over on NerdFitness.com.  My goals this time around aren't really much different than last time.  I plan on doing my Zombies, run workout 3-4 times per week, I'm going to do 2 two days of a bodyweight routine, I'm going to walk 2 days and I'm going to continue logging my food honestly on Loseit.com. 

I'm ready.  Went to the grocery store and have lots of good food, I have a plan for the week.  I am ready. 

7-14-13

This has been a good week.  I find that it's rare to be able to say that on your first week back to work after a nice relaxing week at home.  The week was super busy, but super productive.  Some bad things happened, but bad things don't make a bad week, month, year or life.  This coming week I'll most likely have to make lemonade out of the lemons, but once you add some vodka, it will be even better. 

Anyway.  Last week was a good week.  Foodwise, I was totally on point, except for the day that I dropped my low calorie lunch all over the counter in the kitchen at work.  I ended up spending $5 and getting a sandwich and some chips from the canteen.  Not the best choices, but I managed to make it fit into the rest of my day.  exercise was good.  I even added 2 extra days of walking.  The two extra days of walking were totally because of my fitbit.  It just makes me want to move more!  The best part of the week, though was this morning.  I got on the scale and I had lost 4 lbs!  4 lbs!!!  I am proud to say that I'm 270 lbs.  That makes 8 lbs in the past 4-5 weeks.  73 lbs total.  27 lbs until I can say that I have lost 100 lbs.  Another 8 lbs and I will be my lowest weight since 2008 or earlier. 

I still find it unbelievable sometimes that I've come this far.  If I think back to when I decided to start trying to lose weight, I really never thought that it would be possible to lose this much.  I didn't believe in myself enought to ever think I could stick it out and be successful for this long.  I'm fit to burst with pride in myself, but it's definitely tempered with a huge amount of thankfulness and grattitude.  I still find myself worrying every day whether this is the day that I'll lose control and won't be able to get back on track.  One day at a time, though. 

6-21-13

I've managed to make it through another week of my six week challenge. Still doing well. I'm proud that I've stuck with it this long. As of Sunday I'll be halfway through.

Last weekend was my 20th high school reunion. It was a very small gathering. I wish more people would have come, but on the other hand I'm glad it was small. I kind of dreaded it the day of before we got there, but I recognize it was my social anxiety talking to me. I tried to at the very least say hello to all of my former classmates. It was nice to see and talk to everyone. Overall I think everyone has aged pretty gracefully. Obviously, my high school has a ton of graduates with good genes. I can truly say I'm looking forward to my 25th reunion now. I really hope more of my former classmates can join us next time. I'd really like to see if karma has kicked the people who made portions of my school life so miserable in the teeth yet.  It wasn't very many who were awful to me, but the ones who were really did a good job at making me feel like less than I was.

Last weekend was also important for another reason. On Sunday, my husband and I went to our local walking track and I ran in public for the first time since I was in elementary school and had to take part of the Presidential Fitness Test.  Even more momentous is that even when someone else showed up I didn't let my self consciousness stop me.  I hadn't even finished my ten minute warm up when they showed up, but just thought to myself, they don't know me, I don't know them, fuck it. I had zombies to out run.

6-5-13

How the hell did it get to be June already?  I have had grand plans of getting back on track with my blogging ever since I got back from Boston.  I've been planning things I wanted to talk about and thinking about everything I wanted to share, creating elaborate posts in my mind just waiting on that perfect day where time and space align and allow me to think of something other than work and my next meal. As you can see, that worked out really well for me.

Boston was awesome. I fell in absolute love with Boston Common, the Public Gardens and the Duck Pond. We picked the perfect time to go there. Everything was in bloom and it wasn't horribly hot. The other place I fell in love with was Salem. I loved the mix of modern and old world quaintness. Everyone was super friendly and nice. For example, I found a yarn store, Seed Stitch Fine Yarns, and the people knitting and working were so wonderful!  They all took time to talk with me and the person working showed me some of her favorite yarns.  It was great!  I would definitely recommend them and I'd love to go back.

Things I proud of about our trip:

• I fit in the Airplane seat without any trouble.  I was even comfortable!
• I did not get lost or killed using public transportation.  Not getting lost was though no fault of my own because Denise and Michael were in charge of navigation. Not getting killed was touch and go. The T required balance to not topple over when the train started moving and strength to hang on. 
• I kept up. We did a huge amount of walking while we were in Boston. When Denise has a destination in mind and is trying to find it, she moves with a purpose and a conviction and goodness help you if you can't keep up. I might not have stayed right beside her, but I was able to stay pretty darn close.  
• I did not gain any weight while vacationing even though I ate like it was my job while we were there.  

If you want to see my picture, and I took a lot, they're on my Facebook page. Feel free to peruse at your leisure if we're friends and if we aren't friends, why the heck not?  I'm awesome and I'm pretty sure since you're reading this blog you are too.  Friend me, just please send me a message to let me know who you are and where you found me. 

In Boston, Denise and I talked about some things that we'd like to do someday.  So I started thinking about some of my goals for the future once I've lost more weight.  I'd like to go zip-lining, maybe skydiving, go horseback riding, go to an amusement park and ride rollercoasters, complete a 5k, shop in a regular sizes clothing store, just to name a few.  Most of these go hand in hand with weightloss.  Until I lose more weight I just won't be allowed to do some, like skydive, horseback ride, ride rollercoasters because from what I've seen they have weight limits.  I'm getting there though.  It won't be today and it probably won't be tomorrow, but one day it will happen.  As a positive step in accomplishing my goals I've signed up to participate in a 6 week challenge on nerdfitness.com.  Part of the challenge is to come up with 4 goals to work toward. 

 My goals:

1.      Train for a 5k using the Zombies Run app on my iPhone. 

2.      Do bodyweight exercises one day a week.

3.      Log my food and activity honestly every day.

4.      Blog once a week. 

I feel like I've got a good realistic goals and I have a good chance of accomplishing them.  I don't think they'll be too difficult, but they do still pose a challenge because I have a bad habit of getting lazy partway through. 

2-25-13

This weekend has been really, really difficult.  It's almost like there was a hole in my stomach that I just couldn't fill, no matter what or how much I ate.  I still managed to do ok, but it's been so very frustrating.  Because I haven't been able to find what food will satisfy me I haven't been abe to stop thinking about food.  And because I haven't been able to find what food will satisfy me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about food it's made me a bit anxious.  I'm really hoping that a busy workweek will help me keep focused on better things than food. 

This week my goals are to walk everyday before work, do wall pushups and jumping jacks, get on the exercise bike twice, track my food each day, keep my desk neat and organized at work and to knit at least 10 repeats on my knitting project. 

2-20-13

 

 

I was paid a tremendous compliment today by a former co-worker. She told me I looked fabulous and then said she didn't want to be rude or anything, but have I lost weight? My head grew three sizes (which helped balance out my hips a little) and I said yes, yes I have. 65 lbs! That totally made my day. It also made me think about rude things that people do say to people who are overweight and how I feel about it. In case you're wondering, asking if I've lost weight is not rude at all.

 

Things to never say to or about a fat person (unless you want to be an asshole).

 

Anything regarding a fupa or a gunt. Maybe you aren't fat or overweight and I'm happy for you. Truly. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer from it. However, the old adage about walking a mile in my shoes applies to this situation. Would you want to listen to someone freely make comments if it was you? Imagine if you were listening to someone talk about your child. Fat people are well aware of what we look like. We know we have lumps and bumps and fat rolls in unbecoming areas. My fat body parts are none of your concern.

 

All you have to do is eat less/stop eating. Really? No fat person on earth has ever come up with that solution, thanks for sharing. For some people it is that simple. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Food is an addiction for me and countless other people. It's not something that can be treated like quitting drinking, smoking or doing drugs. I wish I could go even an hour without being compelled to eat or think about eating. I love everything about food. But on the other hand, I hate everything about food too. As long as food continues to be something I have to do in order to live, though, it will always be a prison that I cannot escape from.

 

Anything about the size of a person and how disgusted you are. You might not be commenting specifically about me, but you might as well be. If we're having a conversation about a parent (who I know weighs significantly less than me) at your child's daycare who you say is bigger than a circus tent, what do you think I'm hearing? The fact that you feel justified in making that sort of comment about anyone speaks volumes.

 

You have such a pretty face…There are a lot of ways to end that sentence and I can't really think of a single good one. The one that I heard most often while I was growing up was…if only you'd lose some weight so the rest of you would catch up. I remember thinking when I was a child how great it was that someone thought my face was pretty. It wasn't until I was older when I heard the person who always told me that say it about someone else and then go on to say what she really thought about the person's appearance. The general theme was she had such a pretty face, but it was a pity that the rest of her was such a mess.

 

 

I know that not everyone means such things in any malicious way, but in many instances it absolutely is.  Befpre you put voice to any of these comments or anything similar, please think first. 

 

 

2-13-13

Being successful looks different to everyone.  At work I count myself successful everytime someone comes to me to deal with an issue or problem that no one else could possibly know the answer to.  I will consider myself successful at knitting when I win the big premium first place ribbon at the State Fair.  I will consider myself successful at weightloss once I'm skinny and hot.  But wait a minute.  Shouldn't each and every pound be considered its own success? 

I'm currently  making my way through the entire series of The Biggest Loser.  Have you watched before?  I have some issues with the show, but overall it's still good.  Anyway, one thing I've noticed over the years is that unless they lose some outrageous number everyweek, they don't consider themselves successful.  Today, someone lost 5 pounds and complained that it was a bad week.  If that's a bad week, sign me up. 

2-12-13

Back to the normal, everyday grind today.  I wish I could have gotten more on my to do list done yesterday, but I got the ones that I really needed to taken care of, especially going through my clothes to see what fits.  I bagged up 3 garbage bags full of clothes and one bag of shoes.  I'm excited to take them to Goodwill and get them out of my house forever!  Even better, though, I found several pairs of pants that fit, some that are about to fit and some that I missed my window of opportunity on.  I can't help but feel a little like Goldilocks.  These pants are too little, these pants are too big, these pants are juuuuust right!

Being able to get rid of so much and finding so much that i could wear again was great.  It's very motivating, especially if the scale isn't moving and my scale isn't moving at all.  I have not lost so much as an ounce since shortly after Thanksgiving.  My clothes are fitting differently, so that's still proof of progress, right?

I'm sticking with it.  I'm not going to let myself get discouraged. I'm not going to let myself start doubting that I will do this.  There is no time limit involved. (Although I'd really appreciate it if I could lose 35 more pounds by the first week of May.). I have to continue to be persistent, keep within my calorie limit, and be active for 20-30 minutes everyday.  I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't lose another 35 lbs by May, but I must admit it would be awfully sweet to do it.  That way I could get on that plane to Boston and be able to say that I had lost 100 lbs.

Until then I'll just enjoy shopping in my closet and looking cute in my "new" clothes.

2-11-13

Motivation on a Monday 

I am no fan of Mondays. Except for today.  Definitely a fan of this Monday.  I took the day off of work so I can be a lady of leisure.  Before I can be a lady of leisure though, I have to get some things accomplished first. I hate having to do anything other than be lazy on days off.

The first thing I need to do is come up with a plan. My plans usually take the form of a to do list. I love to do lists. I start the majority of my days with a list of things I need to accomplish. Sometimes my lists are so long and involved, my lists have lists.  I used to laugh at my mother for the lists she would create. If only I had known then how handy lists are!

To do lists are awesome!  They keep me focused, they keep me from being overwhelmed by my often over abundant tasks, they make me happy when I cross something off.  They represent tangible proof that I've accomplished something in the course of my day.

So. Here's my list for today.

1. 20 minutes on exercise bike.  Completed!
2. 3 sets of jumping jacks, wall push ups, arm exercises. Completed!
3. Shower. 
4. Clean off kitchen table. 
5. Put supper in the crock pot. 
6. Take something out of freezer for supper on Tuesday. 
7. Go through clothes in bed room and guest room to see what no longer fits. 
8. Sort through shoes to see what no longer gets worn. 
9. Straighten up living room. 
10. Soak and block baby blanket. 
11. Work on scarf (at least one pattern repetition). 
12. Update Blue Card spreadsheet for work. 
13. Start planning recipe list for next two weeks. 
14. Wash a load of clothes. 
15. Put away clothes. 

It seems likely that I'm forgetting something.  I can always add to the list though. Will I be able to get it all done today?

2-10-13

I used to weigh 361 pounds.

Yes, you read that right.  361 lbs.  Trust me, you are no more disgusted by that number than I was. I remember the day I saw that number so well. I was over at my friend, Heather's, house.  I had gone to use her restroom and her scale was there and I thought what the hell, why not?  I stepped on and quickly stepped right back off as that number popped up. 361 lbs. How the hell did that happen?

I have always been overweight.  It wasn't until after my husband Michael and I got married that I actively tried to do something about it.  We joined Weight Watchers. Great program, but it didn't fit the way my brain worked.  I plugged away and within five years I managed to lose 50 lbs.  yeah, it took my five years to lose 50 lbs.  Not a stellar performance, I have to admit.  It couldn't even keep it off while I was on WW.  I had gained back about 15 lbs when I finally said fuck it, if I was gaining weight back I could do that just as well without paying $10 a week.  So, I quit. I partially rationalized it by telling myself I was going to be saving gobs of money and I had been on WW for five years, of course I could do it on my own.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I went right back into every bad habit I ever learned. It was awful. I was constantly eating crap foods and sitting on my ass. What did I expect to happen?  My clothes got tighter, I felt worse physically and mentally.  I finally had let enough weight pack on that I was no longer able to buy clothes from brick and mortar stores.  I had to order everything and even half of that didn't fit.  I could no longer easily do things that normal people could do like sit in a booth in a restaurant, walk down the hall without breaking a sweat and losing my breath...I couldn't bend down to tie my own damn shoes!  My knees and ankles and feet constantly hurt and were often swollen. I disgusted myself. I couldn't bear to even look at myself in the mirror. I constantly thought about food. How wonderful it tasted and all the great things I could eat and when I would eat again and how much better food would make  mefeel.  Except it never did make me feel better,  it just made me more disgusted with myself. But I just couldn't stop. It was my drug, my compulsion.

You'd think that seeing 361 pop up on that scale would have snapped me out of it, right?  Wrong.  That number meant that i weighed more than every other single person I knew.  It meant that i had gained almost 100 pounds since quitting WW.  It meant that I was even more disgusting than I had originally thought.  I kept sitting on my ass and I kept shoveling food down my gullet, although not as bad as I had been.  I tried to make a few better choices, but overall I was still eating crap food.

I should probably mention at this point that I see a therapist.  It started out to help me learn how to deal with anxiety attacks, but Dr. P has helped me in a ton of ways, like with social anxiety and my (usually false) perceptions of what people think of me.  It was around this time that I had met one goal and was ready to figure out a new goal to work toward.  The one thing I wanted to do was get my desire for food under control and lose weight.  I was so ashamed about my lack of control over it that I was almost too scared and ashamed to ask for help. I talked to Dr. P. I cried to her. I damn near begged her to help me figure out how to control myself and break my food addiction. 

I knew WW wasn't the answer for me this time.  I knew surgery wasn't the answer for me.  I wasn't keen on the idea of a group like Overeaters Anonymous.  I finally found a website that focused on counting calories, Lose It.  After much thought, I decided that's what I'd do.  I started on November 28, 2011.  From the start, it was liberating to be able to eat whatever I wanted.  Yes, I could do the same thing when I was on WW, but counting calories allowed me to have a much more realistic mindset about it.  I have never felt deprived like I have to give anything up.  On WW I had 30-something points I could eat a day.  With counting calories, I started out with being able to eat around 1800 calories per day.  That just sounds like so much more than 30 something points a day!  I didn't weigh myself immediately when I started counting calories.  I was scared of what the scale would say.  I made myself get on the scale after that first week.  343 lbs.  From May to November I had lost weight!  Even without being on any program.  That helped me see that even the smallest changes can give great results. 

Since that time, which I count as my true starting point, I've lost 65 lbs.  I feel great!  I've gone from a size 34 pant size to being pretty solidly in a 28.  I can shop in Lane Bryant again!  I still have a really long way to go, but I'm getting there.  Every day is a struggle, but every day that I can say that I controlled food rather than food controlling me is a pretty awesome day.  I hope I haven't lost you in this huge, rambling post.  I hope you come back and read more about where I've been and where I go with this.  I hope you get even just a little bit from this blog that will help you. 

I'll be back, but until then, here are some pictures...

This was in September 2011.

This was in October or November of 2012.