Wednesday, February 27, 2013

2-27-13

I came across an interesting article the other day and thought it was pretty eye-opening to body image issues on both sides of the fence. It's very easy to not realize how hurtful some comments are to the opposite group. Just because we might not have any experience being on that other side of the fence does not give us any right to make shaming comments.
 
 
 In my experience making shaming comments says so much about the person making the comment. For me, when I've made such comments in the past, they've been more of a commentary on my own shame in my appearance, resentfulness that my metabolism and lack of willpower won't allow me to eat whatever I want, and a shocking lack of self-love and confidence. My shortcomings are no excuse to make shaming comments to or about anyone, though, so to anyone I've ever made these comments to or about, I sincerely apologize.

In other news...Today has been the first day since last week where I haven't felt so hungry I wanted to chew off my own arm.  I even resisted girl scout cookies at work today!  Someone brought in a box of the peanut butter sandwich cookies and I only had 2.  Very proud of myself.  In the past I would have snuck out and grabbed a few everytime I had a chance. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

2-25-13

This weekend has been really, really difficult.  It's almost like there was a hole in my stomach that I just couldn't fill, no matter what or how much I ate.  I still managed to do ok, but it's been so very frustrating.  Because I haven't been able to find what food will satisfy me I haven't been abe to stop thinking about food.  And because I haven't been able to find what food will satisfy me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about food it's made me a bit anxious.  I'm really hoping that a busy workweek will help me keep focused on better things than food. 

This week my goals are to walk everyday before work, do wall pushups and jumping jacks, get on the exercise bike twice, track my food each day, keep my desk neat and organized at work and to knit at least 10 repeats on my knitting project. 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

2-24-13




I finally managed to finish a knitting project this week.  I say finally, because I've been working on this particular project since July or maybe even earlier.  I don't know why this one took me so long.  It just couldn't keep my attention even though I really like the pattern and yarn.  Now Ijust have to block it and it will be completely completed. 


I pushed myself to finish this week because I have been dying to start something new.  I had found a skein of yard that I had forgotten I had and I had already chosen the pattern.  All I had to do was wind my yarn into a ball so I could work with it.  Sounds simple right?  I've done that dozens of times before with no problems, but this time was just one big problem.  Usually I'll drape the skein over the top of a chair and unwind it off the skein and into a ball.  Easy peasy.  I was watching tv and apparently not paying enough attention.  The next thing I knew, the yarn had fallen off the chair onto the floor and Flash was trotting up to try out the new toy I had just put out for him.  I grabbed the yarn as quickly as I could, but the damage had been done.  The rest of the skein was a gnarled, ragged, knotty mess.  I worked on it for about 2 hours longer without making any visible progress.  Ended up going to bed at 3am.  Woke up and was back at it by 9:30 Saturday morning.  I  won't say how long I actually worked on it, but let's just I didn't end up going to bed until after 4am.  It was a great exercise in patience and remaining calm even though I really wanted to toss the whole mess into the garbage.  It was also an almost perfect illustration of bullheaded stubbornness.  Today, I knit!


And just because, here's a picture of my pup, Flash.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

2-20-13

 
 
I was paid a tremendous compliment today by a former co-worker. She told me I looked fabulous and then said she didn't want to be rude or anything, but have I lost weight? My head grew three sizes (which helped balance out my hips a little) and I said yes, yes I have. 65 lbs! That totally made my day. It also made me think about rude things that people do say to people who are overweight and how I feel about it. In case you're wondering, asking if I've lost weight is not rude at all.
 
Things to never say to or about a fat person (unless you want to be an asshole).
 
Anything regarding a fupa or a gunt. Maybe you aren't fat or overweight and I'm happy for you. Truly. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer from it. However, the old adage about walking a mile in my shoes applies to this situation. Would you want to listen to someone freely make comments if it was you? Imagine if you were listening to someone talk about your child. Fat people are well aware of what we look like. We know we have lumps and bumps and fat rolls in unbecoming areas. My fat body parts are none of your concern.
 
All you have to do is eat less/stop eating. Really? No fat person on earth has ever come up with that solution, thanks for sharing. For some people it is that simple. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Food is an addiction for me and countless other people. It's not something that can be treated like quitting drinking, smoking or doing drugs. I wish I could go even an hour without being compelled to eat or think about eating. I love everything about food. But on the other hand, I hate everything about food too. As long as food continues to be something I have to do in order to live, though, it will always be a prison that I cannot escape from.
 
Anything about the size of a person and how disgusted you are. You might not be commenting specifically about me, but you might as well be. If we're having a conversation about a parent (who I know weighs significantly less than me) at your child's daycare who you say is bigger than a circus tent, what do you think I'm hearing? The fact that you feel justified in making that sort of comment about anyone speaks volumes.
 
You have such a pretty face…There are a lot of ways to end that sentence and I can't really think of a single good one. The one that I heard most often while I was growing up was…if only you'd lose some weight so the rest of you would catch up. I remember thinking when I was a child how great it was that someone thought my face was pretty. It wasn't until I was older when I heard the person who always told me that say it about someone else and then go on to say what she really thought about the person's appearance. The general theme was she had such a pretty face, but it was a pity that the rest of her was such a mess.
 
 
I know that not everyone means such things in any malicious way, but in many instances it absolutely is.  Befpre you put voice to any of these comments or anything similar, please think first. 
 
 

Monday, February 18, 2013

2-18-13

What an exciting weekend this has been!  I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that my husband and I are going to Boston.  He had an opportunity to get tickets to see the Red Sox play the first full week of May and that's what led to us planning tis trip.  We've known since the end of December that we would be going, but we've been waiting until we got our taxes done to actually book anything.  I am happy to report that we got our tax refund Saturday morning and we have now booked and paid for our entire trip!  We leave here on May 6 and come home on May 10 and we're staying at the Revere Hotel.  We are so stinking excited!!!!! 

We also went to see a movie Saturday morning which we haven't done in quite a while.  We saw Identity Thief with Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy.  We loved it!  It was so funny!  Sunday I planned what meals we'll have for the next couple weeks and went grocery shopping.  We came home and I premade some stuff.  Today was a State holiday so Michael and I have had the day off.  we went out this morning and got new car insurance.  I know that doesn't sound exciting at all, but trust me it is.  We're saving money and we'll no longer be doing business with Nationwide.  Win, win.  Since we've been home I've done some more cooking. 

When we decided to go to Boston, we knew we would have to try to save money so that we can afford to do everything we want to.  One of our biggest money sucks has been picking up dinner on the way home from work.  Not only is that not frugal, it's also not very healthy in the long run.   I knew I had to figure out something that would be convenient, but healthy.  I started digging around Pinterest and found a ton of recipes that i could premake and freeze.  I've been planning 2 weeks of meals and shopping the weekend after each payday.  Then the day I do my grocery shopping I cook and prepare as much as I can. 

Here is my meal plan for the next while:
Quinoa, Spinach and Mushroom salad (use less salt than recipe calls for)
Chicken and Mushroom Casserole (added one onion, thinly sliced and 1 tsp. chopped garlic)
Shrimp Pie
Pork Carnitas (don't change a single thing!  Seriously.  Don't do it.)
Baked Tilapia and Sweet Potatoes
Chicken Sandwiches and corn on the cob
Chicken Pot Pie
Quesadillas
Chicken and Apple Meatloaf (used extra lean ground turkey instead of chicken)
Chicken, Kale and Rice bake (I'm using chicken instead of smoked turkey)
Chicken in White Wine Sauce, Sauteed Kale and Sweet Potatoes

Yesterday I made the Pork Carnitas and put it in the fridge.  We'll have burritoes with it on Tuesday night.  I also made the Quinoa, Spinach and Mushroom salad for supper last night.  Michael took the chicken off of two rotisserie chickens for the Chicken and Mushroom Casserole and the Chicken, Kale and Rice bake.  Today I made the Chicken and Mushroom Casserole and the Chicken and Apple Meatloaf.   Now, all I have to do, for the most part, is heat stuff up when I get home and that definitely counts as a plus in the win column! 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

2-13-13

Being successful looks different to everyone.  At work I count myself successful everytime someone comes to me to deal with an issue or problem that no one else could possibly know the answer to.  I will consider myself successful at knitting when I win the big premium first place ribbon at the State Fair.  I will consider myself successful at weightloss once I'm skinny and hot.  But wait a minute.  Shouldn't each and every pound be considered its own success? 

I'm currently  making my way through the entire series of The Biggest Loser.  Have you watched before?  I have some issues with the show, but overall it's still good.  Anyway, one thing I've noticed over the years is that unless they lose some outrageous number everyweek, they don't consider themselves successful.  Today, someone lost 5 pounds and complained that it was a bad week.  If that's a bad week, sign me up. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

2-12-13

Back to the normal, everyday grind today.  I wish I could have gotten more on my to do list done yesterday, but I got the ones that I really needed to taken care of, especially going through my clothes to see what fits.  I bagged up 3 garbage bags full of clothes and one bag of shoes.  I'm excited to take them to Goodwill and get them out of my house forever!  Even better, though, I found several pairs of pants that fit, some that are about to fit and some that I missed my window of opportunity on.  I can't help but feel a little like Goldilocks.  These pants are too little, these pants are too big, these pants are juuuuust right!

Being able to get rid of so much and finding so much that i could wear again was great.  It's very motivating, especially if the scale isn't moving and my scale isn't moving at all.  I have not lost so much as an ounce since shortly after Thanksgiving.  My clothes are fitting differently, so that's still proof of progress, right?

I'm sticking with it.  I'm not going to let myself get discouraged. I'm not going to let myself start doubting that I will do this.  There is no time limit involved. (Although I'd really appreciate it if I could lose 35 more pounds by the first week of May.). I have to continue to be persistent, keep within my calorie limit, and be active for 20-30 minutes everyday.  I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't lose another 35 lbs by May, but I must admit it would be awfully sweet to do it.  That way I could get on that plane to Boston and be able to say that I had lost 100 lbs.

Until then I'll just enjoy shopping in my closet and looking cute in my "new" clothes.

Monday, February 11, 2013

2-11-13

Motivation on a Monday 



I am no fan of Mondays. Except for today.  Definitely a fan of this Monday.  I took the day off of work so I can be a lady of leisure.  Before I can be a lady of leisure though, I have to get some things accomplished first. I hate having to do anything other than be lazy on days off.

The first thing I need to do is come up with a plan. My plans usually take the form of a to do list. I love to do lists. I start the majority of my days with a list of things I need to accomplish. Sometimes my lists are so long and involved, my lists have lists.  I used to laugh at my mother for the lists she would create. If only I had known then how handy lists are!

To do lists are awesome!  They keep me focused, they keep me from being overwhelmed by my often over abundant tasks, they make me happy when I cross something off.  They represent tangible proof that I've accomplished something in the course of my day.

So. Here's my list for today.

  1. 20 minutes on exercise bike.  Completed!
  2. 3 sets of jumping jacks, wall push ups, arm exercises. Completed!
  3. Shower. 
  4. Clean off kitchen table. 
  5. Put supper in the crock pot. 
  6. Take something out of freezer for supper on Tuesday. 
  7. Go through clothes in bed room and guest room to see what no longer fits. 
  8. Sort through shoes to see what no longer gets worn. 
  9. Straighten up living room. 
  10. Soak and block baby blanket. 
  11. Work on scarf (at least one pattern repetition). 
  12. Update Blue Card spreadsheet for work. 
  13. Start planning recipe list for next two weeks. 
  14. Wash a load of clothes. 
  15. Put away clothes. 
It seems likely that I'm forgetting something.  I can always add to the list though. Will I be able to get it all done today?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

2-10-13

I used to weigh 361 pounds.

Yes, you read that right.  361 lbs.  Trust me, you are no more disgusted by that number than I was. I remember the day I saw that number so well. I was over at my friend, Heather's, house.  I had gone to use her restroom and her scale was there and I thought what the hell, why not?  I stepped on and quickly stepped right back off as that number popped up. 361 lbs. How the hell did that happen?

I have always been overweight.  It wasn't until after my husband Michael and I got married that I actively tried to do something about it.  We joined Weight Watchers. Great program, but it didn't fit the way my brain worked.  I plugged away and within five years I managed to lose 50 lbs.  yeah, it took my five years to lose 50 lbs.  Not a stellar performance, I have to admit.  It couldn't even keep it off while I was on WW.  I had gained back about 15 lbs when I finally said fuck it, if I was gaining weight back I could do that just as well without paying $10 a week.  So, I quit. I partially rationalized it by telling myself I was going to be saving gobs of money and I had been on WW for five years, of course I could do it on my own.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I went right back into every bad habit I ever learned. It was awful. I was constantly eating crap foods and sitting on my ass. What did I expect to happen?  My clothes got tighter, I felt worse physically and mentally.  I finally had let enough weight pack on that I was no longer able to buy clothes from brick and mortar stores.  I had to order everything and even half of that didn't fit.  I could no longer easily do things that normal people could do like sit in a booth in a restaurant, walk down the hall without breaking a sweat and losing my breath...I couldn't bend down to tie my own damn shoes!  My knees and ankles and feet constantly hurt and were often swollen. I disgusted myself. I couldn't bear to even look at myself in the mirror. I constantly thought about food. How wonderful it tasted and all the great things I could eat and when I would eat again and how much better food would make  mefeel.  Except it never did make me feel better,  it just made me more disgusted with myself. But I just couldn't stop. It was my drug, my compulsion.

You'd think that seeing 361 pop up on that scale would have snapped me out of it, right?  Wrong.  That number meant that i weighed more than every other single person I knew.  It meant that i had gained almost 100 pounds since quitting WW.  It meant that I was even more disgusting than I had originally thought.  I kept sitting on my ass and I kept shoveling food down my gullet, although not as bad as I had been.  I tried to make a few better choices, but overall I was still eating crap food.

I should probably mention at this point that I see a therapist.  It started out to help me learn how to deal with anxiety attacks, but Dr. P has helped me in a ton of ways, like with social anxiety and my (usually false) perceptions of what people think of me.  It was around this time that I had met one goal and was ready to figure out a new goal to work toward.  The one thing I wanted to do was get my desire for food under control and lose weight.  I was so ashamed about my lack of control over it that I was almost too scared and ashamed to ask for help. I talked to Dr. P. I cried to her. I damn near begged her to help me figure out how to control myself and break my food addiction. 

I knew WW wasn't the answer for me this time.  I knew surgery wasn't the answer for me.  I wasn't keen on the idea of a group like Overeaters Anonymous.  I finally found a website that focused on counting calories, Lose It.  After much thought, I decided that's what I'd do.  I started on November 28, 2011.  From the start, it was liberating to be able to eat whatever I wanted.  Yes, I could do the same thing when I was on WW, but counting calories allowed me to have a much more realistic mindset about it.  I have never felt deprived like I have to give anything up.  On WW I had 30-something points I could eat a day.  With counting calories, I started out with being able to eat around 1800 calories per day.  That just sounds like so much more than 30 something points a day!  I didn't weigh myself immediately when I started counting calories.  I was scared of what the scale would say.  I made myself get on the scale after that first week.  343 lbs.  From May to November I had lost weight!  Even without being on any program.  That helped me see that even the smallest changes can give great results. 

Since that time, which I count as my true starting point, I've lost 65 lbs.  I feel great!  I've gone from a size 34 pant size to being pretty solidly in a 28.  I can shop in Lane Bryant again!  I still have a really long way to go, but I'm getting there.  Every day is a struggle, but every day that I can say that I controlled food rather than food controlling me is a pretty awesome day.  I hope I haven't lost you in this huge, rambling post.  I hope you come back and read more about where I've been and where I go with this.  I hope you get even just a little bit from this blog that will help you. 

I'll be back, but until then, here are some pictures...

This was in September 2011.

This was in October or November of 2012.